Family
members are horrible at picking out gifts for Father’s Day. You know
those things that you can put in the freezer and then use as ice in your
whiskey? We hate those. They look dirty and we don’t like fixing things
that ain’t broke. Ice is just fine as-is, and we like the way it
dilutes our drink as it melts. It also provides a refreshing little
blast of cold water when we’re done. We have enough neckties and golf
clubs to last us a lifetime, too. Here’s what we really want.
1. A Leatherman
If your dad doesn’t have a Leatherman that he straps to his belt on
Friday and keeps there until Sunday night, there is something wrong with
him. Father’s Day is a good day to fix this. A Leatherman can saw
branches, cut cables, pop a blood blister, and open anything in the
world.
2. Tools
Speaking of tools, does he already have everything he needs? He needs
two cordless drills, a table saw, a circular saw, a normal saw, a
really long level, and a hammer. (Please tell me he at least has a
hammer.) He doesn’t need—but he’d like—a Dremel, a jigsaw, a sander, a
grinder, and a pressure washer.
3. Anything Lawn-Related
Dumping $300 of topsoil at the end of a dad’s driveway is like giving
him a lifetime subscription to beer. All grass seed is pretty much the
same, but if we’re talking gifts, why not get luxurious and buy us the
fanciest Miracle-Gro that Scotts has to offer? One thing we don’t want
is that stuff for patches that’s made of pulped paper and looks like
insulation foam. It’s a bummer to look at and takes forever to take
root.
4. Flashlights
Not sure why we love these so much, but we can never have enough
flashlights, and they can never be too expensive. We like the big long
ones that cops have, but we also like the little tiny ones with the
convex lens that belt out way more light than you’d ever think something
that small could belt out. I’m actually getting a boner just thinking
about mine right now.
5. A Magnifying Glass
We can’t see anything. It’s actually easier for us to go the bank in
person than to read the customer-service number on the back of our card.
We’d like one for work so we can see all the fine print in all the
stupid contracts we’re supposed to sign, and we want one at home so we
can see shit on our phone. We also like just looking at stuff such as
bugs and the inside of a pen. The more cumbersome and ridiculous the
magnifying glass, the more we like it.
6. Drawings
This applies more for dads with kids under 10, so moms take heed. We
love when kids make us drawings, but they need to put some effort into
it. We don’t want a picture of the whole family. That’s gay and we
already have about seven of those. I like pictures of punk rockers, but
if your dad was into Iron Maiden, make him a really good Eddie. It
doesn’t have to be perfect, but it should be full-color and have taken
at least an hour to draw.
7. Bullets
These things cost a fortune, and knowing you just spent $3.50 makes
blowing up a two-liter plastic bottle of cola a tiny bit less fun. If
you buy the bullets we can pretend they were free, and shooting becomes
100% guilt-free.
8. A War Helmet
Every time we feel like complaining, we think about the guys in WWII
who were holed up in muddy foxholes for days too afraid to light a
cigarette. Then we think, “Man the fuck up” and get back to work. Having
a WWII helmet on a stand is a must-have accessory for any dad’s home
office.
As far as breakfast in bed and “Get these kids away from me” goes,
that’s Mother’s Day stuff. We want to build stuff with you today, and
we’d like to use some of the cool shit you just got us. Oooh, wanna come
to Home Depot? I need to get a Power Care 14B Bar for my chainsaw.
Please?
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