Who the hell told Mitt Romney about our garage bank?

Published: 1:13 AM 10/06/2012

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Pretty much everyone we know — including our buddy Barack — was surprised Wednesday night when old Mitt showed up to the debate with a chainsaw, eviscerating his opponent in a style usually associated with Chris Christie. (RELATED: Chris Christie rides the NH countryside cleaving opponents in two)

And how could we not enjoy Chris “We have our knives out” Matthews‘ reaction? As far as ethical news coverage goes, that little episode deserves a Pulitzer. We’d also suggest “We have our knives out” as a far-superior slogan than “Lean forward,” but who brings a knife to a chainsaw fight anyways?

Though in all the fun and fancy, it was easy to miss one line that it would behoove conservatives everywhere to pick up [on] and drop, before climbing the ring post and body-slamming. We’re talking about this little jewel right here:

Regulation is essential. You can’t have a free market work if you don’t have regulation. As a businessperson, I had to have — I need to know the regulations. I needed them there. You couldn’t have people opening up banks in their — in their garage and making loans. I mean, you have to have regulations so that you can have an economy work. Every free economy has good regulation. At the same time, regulation can become excessive.

What liberal rascal composed this illustrious ode? That, ladies and gentlemen, was Republican nominee Mitt Romney, in the flesh, falling directly into a classic progressive trap: the false choice.

And no matter what the hippies say, the choice is not between voting Democrat and starving in the streets; the choice is not between passing stimulus bills and getting raped; the choice is not between industry and the environment; the choice is not between taxpayer-funded abortion and theocracy; and the choice is not between the regulatory state and “people opening up banks in their — in their garage and making loans.”

Folks, even though it is built on — and receivesprotection from — all those fears, the reality of the nanny state is a lot more hilarious, hysterical, hindering and downright horrible than that:

Hilarious: America’s frozen pepperoni pizzas fall under the purview of both the USDA and the FDA, which independently inspect the factories to cover both the cheese and the meat. And until a few years ago, they used to regulate how much meat, sauce and cheese was on those suckers. (For the protection of the people).

Hysterical: The government won’t let us buy turtles under 4 inches (outside of Chinatown, where they’re sold as a soup ingredient), because they know we might put them in our mouths and get salmonella poisoning. (Turtles actually make for a great chaser).

Hindering: To save energy, the feds are banning the old Edison light bulb — even though it worked fine for a century — forcing folks to buy Compact Fluorescent Light Bulbs, which emit less light, cost more, take a few minutes to get to their full brightness, contain mercury, and can sometimes interfere with radios. Oh, and to make them last as long as they’re supposed to, thereby saving energy, we have to leave them on, thereby wasting energy (and drowning polar bears by the millions).

Horrible: EPA regulations, while threatening hundreds of plants and thousands of jobs, are cutting America’s power supply and increasing prices — a fact that hurts the poorest Americans the most. Oh, and anybody that says that coal is hurting the children because it may possibly be linked to tiny increases in the rate of asthma should put some actual facts in their hash pipes and smoke ‘em: Unemployment is directly linked to increased levels of alcoholism, abuse and suicide, not to mention general poverty. (And last we checked, those are all pretty bad things for kids).

Does banking require what Frederich A. Hayek called “rules of the road”? Yeah, it does. But consider this: Were Barney Frank and Chris Dodd the geniuses to do job?

So here’s the deal, Mitt: America is over-regulated, and has been for decades. Directly because of this over-regulation, it’s harder to wash dishes, light a room, go for a swim, buy a car, drink a soda, have a smoke and watch some lingerie football. It’s also harder to power the United States, compete globally, make a living and raise a family.

Oh, and the fuzz keep shutting down our garage bank.

Don’t go squishy on the nanny state, Mitt. Regulation not only inconveniences Americans on an hourly basis, it hurts families, it hurts workers, and it hurts kids. And if voters knew how much, they’d be mighty sore at the government. So why not tell them?

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